what a strange, sad day it's been

May 07

Went to Build-A-Bear Workshop today. My therapist said it’d be good for me, to get me out of the rut I’m in, called it an “exercise in creation.” I held the limp carcass of the bear in my hands for what felt like hours. What was I doing? Who was this bear? Why was it here? Not here, not yet, not quite. Did it want to be? What right did I have to thrust this bear into the cacophony of being without first giving it a purpose? I couldn’t move. Then this kid asked what I was talking about, and I realized I’d been soliloquizing in a sea of children.

"I can’t even think of a name," I said, staring down at the bear I couldn’t bring myself to make, its black, plastic eyes like currants in a semolina loaf that no one ordered but had shown up anyway.

"How old are you?" the kid asked. I looked at his bear. It was bursting at the seams.

"I think I’m having an existential crisis."

"I’m ten."

"Okay."

"You should name it Trojan." I was stunned. This kid knew Homer? Then he said, "After the condom your dad should have worn." He took the bear out of my hands and threw it at me, like that had been its purpose all along.

Whoever said kids are wise is a liar. Kids are dumb as shit.

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